My Sassy Empire State of Mind
You know, it's a funny thing: whenever I go home to Texas or California, it takes me a good 48-hours before I'm fully acclimated to the slower, calmer, outwardly friendlier, and more laid back way of life. My mom still reminds me of the time when, after having fetched me from the airport in San Diego, we went to the grocery store to pick up a couple of items. As we were approaching the entrance (from the parking lot), a man tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around, threw my hands up, and blurted, "WHAT?" He just wanted to let Mom and me know that we had left our headlights on. That's all.
While it may take 48-hours to soften my tough NYC exterior abroad, it's only a matter of seconds before I'm fully re-acclimated to city life upon my return home. Once again, I find myself: dropping f-bombs and other obscenities aloud - blurting "asshole" to any man who does not let me off of an elevator first - getting in to fights with cab drivers and random security guards who take their badges too seriously - yelling at poor, innocent tourists who do not walk on the right side of the sidewalk - first staring down, then confronting, the idiots at my bagel place who repeatedly cut in line - and threatening to take-up boxing to alleviate my aggression, because "spinning just ain't cuttin' it." Whew!
OK, I realize that I sound like a class-A psycho, but I'm sure that anyone else who lives here can attest that the daily stupidities we all face take a toll on our mental states! Maybe that's why so many people here are in such phenomenal shape? I mean, there's nothing quite like an intense workout to alleviate stress and aggression. Plus, beating the shit out of a punching bag - or spinning off your 'liquid lunch' - ironically infuses the body with endorphins. Funny how that works...!
So, in light of my return to the evil city streets from the saccharin-friendly state of Texas, I created a list of things that have been 'chapping my hide' of late. That's Texas speak for "pissing me off." Enjoy!
Is she EVER going to give birth? Jesus Christ.
In no particular order, of course:
While visiting Texas this past weekend, I realized, once again, that I'm the only one of my childhood friends/high school friends/kids that I used to babysit for who isn't a) married b) married and pregnant c) married with child d) married with children. Now, how's that for feeling inadequate? <Thank god for NYC - the land of '30s and single.' For here, I am not a leper.>
...to that note: during my visit, I happened to run in to some of these said old friends/friends of the family. And the first thing - even before "How are you?" - that a handful of them had the balls to ask me was, "So, are you dating anyone?" Because, obviously, my ring finger was naked and my stomach wasn't protruding. Followed by a very dramatic, almost deep whisper, "Are you really happy in NYC? You can tell me." No, dumbass, I've lived in NYC for 8-years now because I HATE it. What do you think?
Jessica Simpson. Doesn't it seem like the girl has been pregnant for 2-years? Seriously, WTF?
Self-righteous women who think that, just because they've lost 5-10 pounds, they have the authority to give the world diet/exercise advice. Yo, don't you realize that most Americans need to lose upwards of 20 pounds? Do you have any clue how annoying your small victory sounds to someone who is legitimately fat? C'mon now.
Coworkers who sneeze/cough without covering their mouths. Hmmm, maybe that's why I was stricken with strep last week? Oh, and that one guy who hocks loogies in to the trash can under his desk.
Spin instructors who feel the need to routinely belt out "yee haw" and "yep" during class. Reminds me a lot of those annoying female tennis players who grunt - like they're having sex - on the court. Ewwwwww!
Guys who think they're funny. Like the dude that you're on a date with - cracking lame-ass jokes - and it takes more than two cocktails to perfect your best "fake laugh." Being an actress is hard work...
Jennifer Hudson's Weight Watchers commercials. Look, it's not her that drives me nuts - granted, I'm proud of her success - it's that damn theme song!
Guys who incessantly quote movies. No one cares that you've seen the entire Batman franchise. Especially me. Plus, there's a 99% chance that, if it wasn't on Lifetime, I haven't seen it, anyways! So, shut the F up!
PR people who send me press releases for restaurants/hotels located outside of NYC. In places like Minnesota or one of the Dakotas. Did you not see the word "NYCentric" on my *home page*? Stop wasting your time. And mine. Oh, and do your homework!
Women - and men - who wear fake designer bags/goods. Still. Don't y'all know that counterfeit goods promote terrorism?
Passive aggressive people. Just say what's really on your mind, fool!
Mama's and Daddy's boys/girls. GROW UP! MOVE OUT! CUT THE CORD!
99% of all single men in NYC. You're either gay and gorgeous - taken - or have so much baggage that you make a woman look like a light traveler.
People who you secretly HATE, but have to be nice/cordial to because they're in your greater social circle. Sigh.
George Clooney and his weird, Amazonian girlfriend, Stacy Keibler.
The fact that I can no longer eat burgers/meatballs/chile con carne/chicken fried steak because of PINK SLIME. Thanks a lot, government!
People who don't RSVP.
People who RSVP "yes," and then don't show up (w/o giving you a heads up).
Friends who get pissed off if you have to leave a function/bar on the early side. I wouldn't care if your ass had to leave!
The entitled fat ass on the subway who doesn't even try to scoot over on the bench when you attempt to sit down. Don't worry, fool, I'll squeeze my way in and make you *really* uncomfortable. Or, hell, I'll just sit on your lap! How's THAT?
And, speaking of the subway: when it's ME - not the dude to my left or right - who gets up to let a pregnant woman sit down. For the love of god, people, did your mama not teach you anything?
The dude who physically turns off the automatic light switch every time he leaves that particular room.And, yes, he is fully aware that it will shut itself off in 3-minutes.
The fact that I just paid $13.01 for a sandwich. At lunch. And I'm eating it at my desk.
My parents think that, whenever I'm sick or have fractured a limb (as was the case in October 2010), I will be *fired* for taking necessary days from work.In fact, I did not speak to them from Tuesday through Friday of last week because we got in to a huge fight. I was home with strep throat and a 101-degree fever, and they gave me hell about staying home on Monday and Tuesday.
As much as it raises my blood pressure and makes me threaten violence on occasion, I love NYC to the core. I miss the hell out of this city even when I'm on the most lavish of vacations. Now, how many of you can say that about the town/city where you reside? Probably not a lot.
There is not another place in the world that I would rather be.
…
Until we eat again,
Lindsay, The Lunch Belle